When The Cat's Away...

...the mouse doesn't do shit.

Schedule For Saturday Afternoon While Wife2Be Is Out of Town:

Noon: Wake-up

12 - 12:10: Staring contest with cat. Aspirin for hangover.

12:10-1:40: Drink two cups of coffee. Check email. Organize iTunes. Watch Royal Tenenbaums on mute (this was confusing). Get OCD on my weekend papers so ads go in recycling and sections are piled in order of reading priority. Read front section of the Saturday New York Times including obituary of anti-Semite chess champ Bobby Fischer, which is odd because I like neither anti-Semites nor chess. Check email.

1:40-2:05: Take shower while singing chorus of "Scenes From An Italian Restaurant" (4x).

2:05: More with the email.

2:25-2:45: Step into daylight for four activities: 1) Rent episodes 1-7 of Season 4 of "The Wire," because I'm considering a career move into the Baltimore drug trade. 2) Drop $2.50 on a turkey-bacon egg-and-cheese sandy from the vendor across the street. 3) Get peer-pressured by friendly, accented vendor man into getting a hug from one of the UPenn hippies with FREE HUG signs on every corner of my block. 4) Get accidentally hit in head with a FREE HUG sign, but follow-up hug makes the pain go away.

2:50-6:15: Watch "The Wire."

This was identical to my Saturdays back in the day, when I was single and lonely, sporting a poofy haircut and a cheesey (but awesome) billboard for my dating column on four South Jersey highways (see above).