Engagemenopause Update: Puns, NBA Jokes, Cocaine & More!!!

We're at the seventh-inning stretch of our engagement, the calm before the storm, the beginning of the end. We have checked off a number of major tasks for the wedding, so there's been a bit of a pause (engagemenopause) in engagement-related news.

To recap: We have a date, a place, a bride and a groom. We have a DJ named Deejay, a rabbi we call Rabbi, and we're looking for a florist named Florist. I even know what I'm watching on the YouTube before the rehearsal dinner to calm my social anxieties.

So I'd like to use this pause in the action to go public with some information. As everyone knows, Valerie Bertinelli has written a new book to admit that she snorted coke while preparing for the ceremony of her wedding to rocker Eddie Van Halen (see above): “The priest we tapped to perform the ceremony gave us questionnaires so he could get to know us better and offer more personal words. As we filled out the forms at home, we each held a little vial of coke.”

Since we're often compared to Valerie and Eddie, Bertinelli's book has made some wonder about us. I'm going on the record now, once and for all, to assure you that when we did our homework before our last meeting with the rabbi -- reading the "Under the Huppah" chapter of "The New Jewish Wedding," which unravels the many mysteries of the broken-glass-mazel-tov -- illicit stimulants were not involved.