BREAKING: Groom (Possibly) Dying

At the last moment, a mere nine months before I'm to walk down the aisle, I have been threatened by the same evil doer that took the life of Susan Biddle Ross in 1996: Toxic glue on wedding-related stationery.

We're sitting here stuffing save-the-date envelopes and, suspiciously, the wife2be gives me the job of sealing the envelopes. But the envelopes refused to close. I try a sponge, but nothing. So I try filtered water with a paint brush. Again, no dice. I try Cisco and Shmelvis and binger H20 -- all the same results.

"Just lick them," the wife2be tells me, again with the suspiciously. And so I did. And it worked. Which is great.

On the other hand, this is envelope glue, and I'm EATING it. Certainly I'm about to die.

Yes, when George's fiance Susan died on Seinfeld, that was the genius of Larry David and not reality. But I do have a shitty taste in my mouth right now, and my stomach feels even more off than normal, so I'm left asking a few questions: Isn't it barbaric that we still lick our mail? Isn't it weird that we seal all snail-mail correspondence with our tongues? Why isn't there a Netflix-like adhesive for envelopes already? And would the wife2be immediately go to the diner for a cup of coffee if I died from a glue overdose?

CREDIT: NBC ... please don't sue me