3/17/08

Blonde Over Blonde


I've been growing my hair recently under the theory that after a guy gets a haircut, everyone thinks he looks good just because it looks different. So if my hair gets really shaggy and I cut it right before (or during) the wedding, then I'll be the handsome groom no one expected I'd be.

These new long-ish locks prompted my boss to suggest I lighten my hair. Possibly she said this as a joke. Either way, I mentioned it to Deborah, and before I knew it she was envisioning this yin-yang thing at our wedding with me in a dark suit and light hair and her in a light dress and dark hair. I have always harbored secret curiosity about dye-jobs, so I listened intently. The next thing I knew, she was in the hair aisle at CVS.

I stripped to my skivvies, we listened to Bob Dylan's brilliant "Blonde On Blonde" album and Deborah began painting my hair. It took a few minutes before the pain in my scalp set in; those were a good few minutes. Then the pain became embarrassingly unbearable, so I showered and emerged from the bathroom...a redhead.

The red soon dissipated to something resembling strawberry blonde, as you can see above. As I gazed at my new doo in the mirror, Deborah said: "It looks better in the mirror than in real life."

What am I supposed to do with that, exactly?

At work, women said they liked it, but they're preprogrammed to say that to anyone with a dye-job. It's a female law of nature, like childbirth. The men, meanwhile, compared me to one of the following: Ellen DeGeneres, Martina Navratilova or David Spade. I'm pretty sure those weren't compliments. Most didn't make any comment whatsoever, but one told me that the next time we were out drinking he'd "tell me how he really felt."

Anyone know how long I'll look like this? Will people talk smack about my roots during the wedding? And should I alert the Human Rights Campaign about the friend who declared this "the gayest thing Matt Katz has ever done"?

13 comments:

Sugar said...

I'll give it to you straight: get back to CVS: Hair Aisle STAT! Buy something dark(ish) and cover that strawberry bruise up.

There. I saved you $145 in therapy.

AV said...

OMFG, I cannot BELIEVE you didn't have this professionally done. MATT! Do not try to fix it yourselves. Seriously! Get your ass to a salon and have them do it.

However, if it's any consolation, you do look hot and totally sexed out in the after picture.

Sarah said...

a HA-- we thought you looked weird when we ran into you the other day. Sam definitely commented, he thought you had a mullet but i knew it was something else....

you're lukcy you have a few months until the big day, and even luckier to have deb to take care of you.

can we expect a man purse soon??

Grant said...

The dye has enlarged your head as well. Any chance that will clear up by the wedding?

Pete said...

Yeah, but does the carpet match the drapes?

JZ said...

I think I seen these here pictures here on the smoking guns web site on them there interwebs under "celebrity mugshots" there. You sure photo well for a pretty blonde fella.

captain helmet said...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2qOW__TneAY

Jim said...

It's so obvious now you're marrying Deborah as a prop...

JZ said...

On second thought, you look like someone who should have three names. Oh, (old man) snap!

Pete said...

You actually sort of look like a young Iggy Pop in that first picture, although it might just be the shirtlessness.

Anonymous said...

Transvestite Beatle?

Jason Nark said...

I just saw the Iggy Pop reference and that's cool. The pictures are kind of creepy though. You're not smiling and it seems as if once you put the camera down, you're heading out the door to continue serial killing.

Anonymous said...

dude...are you engaged to a guy?

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