'We Just Got Married & I Have Bites All Over My Body'

The current discussion around the house involves where we're going to sleep for four hours next August 31.

We've lived in sin for a year and a half. We currently sleep in the same room, and in the same bed, even though she usually passes out on the couch first, although that's largely irrelevant.

What is relevant right now, for some reason, is where we're staying on our wedding night -- in our apartment, or at a hotel?

We're getting married a $5.50 cab ride from home, which would account for .0001 percent of our wedding budget, so logic would dictate that after our wedding we would come home, harass the cat and say things like "wow that was fucking amazing" and "I don't remember a damn thing that happened in the last 6 1/2 hours" and "Matt, about your dancing tonight -- I can't believe I just married the most awkward guy, ever."

Instead, tradition says no, we shouldn't treat our wedding day like every other night of our lives. We should give it the grandeur and greatness it deserves, and fall sleep in 50,000-count sheets in a hotel suite.

But I will NOT do that to my beautiful bride! We shall stay at home, and the picture above of Kevin Gued's back is why. Kevin and Gayle Gued were horrified earlier this month when they pulled back the sheets of their blessed wedding bed at the Country Inn & Suites in Brandon, Fla., only to find ... ants! According to NBC6 in South Florida (thank God a news operation covered this crucial story) the couple even videotaped their ordeal:

"We pull back the sheets, and sure enough, there's the black bugs. And we lift up the pillows and that was the worst." Kevin's back and shoulders are covered in bites. "We're just frustrated because we're going on our honeymoon, just got married, I've got bites all over my body, and I just don't feel we were treated fair," Kevin said....The hotel also paid the Gueds' bill. But Kevin Gued said he would also like the hotel to take care of his medical bill...

Thanks for letting us know about this wedding night terror, Kevin and Gayle. You've saved our marriage. But three questions:

First, Kevin, dude, those aren't bites--that's definitely backnee. Sorry. Second, after you "pull back the sheets" to find the bugs, you apparently got into the bed anyway. Why? Third, what were you doing with a videocamera in your honeymoon suite anyway?


av said...

EWOMFGMATT. That's the most disturbing thing I have ever seen. THANKS FOR SHARING.

As for where you sleep--I don't think it matters one damn bit. We stayed at the Bellagio but I don't remember a damn thing, I was flying so high on the wedding rush. I don't even think we had sex on our wedding night!

JZ said...

I was all set to offer up Chez Lindsley Arms for a jam session, but then remembered you're getting married in Phillytowne. Oops.

But now that I think about it... DOSP reunion on Sept. 1 at 2 a.m.? Nice.

Or, you know, not. You might be, um, busy. Poor Shmelvis.

designer-in-denial said...

eeewww. At least I know the bugs that live in our bed. And Shmelly would be so sad without us, he is already missing the wedding. We discussed this last night. First, our apt is our favorite place in the whole world. Why would I want to stay anywhere else. Plus you are allergic to feathers and most places are feather beds these days. Second we will be going away for about 11 days to Greece where we will be staying 11 nights in hotels, so I think we will get our fix then. Wow I don't know why I felt a need to write all that. Blogs are so crazy.

Sarah said...

We are planning on staying at home after our wedding (which is in 11 days!!) because we LOVE our home and we are germophobes. The idea of 'bridal suite' really grosses me out- as if you aren't already thinking about how much sex happened in a hotel room before you got there.

Anonymous said...

How can you not notice ants when you get into a bed??? Duh.. you are not that wired after the wedding, and you should feel something after the ants bite you!!

I would agree with Matt, that is acne, as ant bites should have a larger area of red inflammation around them ,and not have pus accumulation! If they do then the inflammation area should be even larger!!

The Salsa guy-who lived in the Caribbean and thus is an expert on ant bites!!

P.S. Stay in a GOOD hotel, my friend can get you a deal 50% off!!!

Jen A. Miller said...

Ewwwwww gross picture. I agree that it looks like back acne, too.

I'm practical, so I say stay in the apartment, and throw any money you'd spend on a Philly hotel toward the honeymoon. But what do I know?


Keith said...

save the hotel money. for the same price you could probably buy the same bed for your home and sleep in it forever.

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