"Matthew Katz Is Allergic To Feathers"

I finally decided to go to an allergist to find out if it's normal that I've been secreting mucus from three bodily areas (I won't tell you which ones) in the shower each morning since last February.

Apparently, it's not normal. And unfortunately, it appears that the two major causes of my allergies are critically central to my relationship with the soon-to-be wife. First, our cat is a dander-filled beast, and the allergist said that I must be "smoking crack and drinking crystal meth" if I consider for one moment getting a second (third?) cat.

Well, I figure my wife shouldn't hate me until AFTER we get married, so I'm not getting rid of the cat. However, there's something else I'm allergic to: Feathers.

One of the things that went into the garbage disposal once Deborah and I moved in together was my crappy egg crate bedding and all my sheets, pillows, etc. This was replaced with a down comforter and four feather pillows to create a place commonly referred to in our home as "heaven."

Well, kids, heaven no longer exists. The pillows are in the closet. The comforter is...well, that's still under -- let's call it "discussion." I thought we did a wedding registry at Bed, Bath & Beyond for these things, because that's how much I pay attention, and so I asked the allergist to write a doctor's note so we could return the stuff.

It turns out I'm a sneezing fool, and we had this long before we got engaged. So we'll have to register for new stuff that I'm told "just won't be the same." At least I got an amusing doctor's note out of the whole thing. I shall post it on the fridge and read it to myself as I fall asleep at night on the kitchen floor.