Become A Communist...About Wedding Gifts

How much do you give for a wedding gift? Is it based on the per-person caterer costs -- and if so, shouldn't you have a vote on whether they get that extra cheese platter at the cocktail hour? Is it based on the value of your relationship or friendship -- but how do you quantify such a thing without sounding like a d-bag? Is it based on the amount of time you've seen that person in the last year -- or the amount of time you've spent with that person in your life?

Every Saturday afternoon at about 3 p.m., after wedding guests have stuffed themselves into dresses and rented tuxes, they sit down in front of their checkbooks (or online in front of The Knot registry) and try to figure out how much to give a couple.

There are various theories on this. One site suggests spending $75 per person -- and then subtracting $25 if the bride is pregnant but adding $100 if you're the father. It says to add $25 if there's an open bar, but subtract $20 if your date goes home with the drummer.

Of course, you could reimburse the couple (or their parents) for the amount spent on the wedding, but do you even like these people? And aren't they going to get divorced (probably) anyways?

Exactly. So do this: Pay what you can, just like at museums on those special "donation-only" days. If you're rich, give $500, a toaster and one of those musical cards. But if you've got a few credit cards loaded with some debt, if you don't even open the cable bill unless it says "3rd notice," if you've already dropped $1,000 on the bachelor(ette) party and $550 on a flight, if you're renting a tux and getting a hotel and taking a day off work, then don't worry about it. Pay what you can. Staple a $5 bill to a postcard or regift that wok in your cabinet with some nice wrapping paper. The only ones filing for bankruptcy at a wedding should be the bride, groom and their parents.

For this system to work, those rich cheap-asses need to buck up and add some zeroes to some wedding checks, quick-stat. Poor people, rise up!

Right?