Cat's In The Cradle & The Silver Spoon

When my son eats his own boogers, will I go on the Google machine and look up "boy bugger mouth swallow"? When my daughter steals my midlife-crisis 2025 Toyota Celica and sells it for heroin money, will I spray her in the face with a water bottle? When the twins climb the fridge and send a shit-ton of bottles crashing to the floor into tiny little glass pieces, and the babysitter calls me at a wedding to notify me, will I laugh it off with the wifey and go back to the bar?

These are my questions. We've returned from vacation and we've determined that Shmelvis, our cat, has some sort of mental disorder that compels him to bite, which compels me to lose my shit, which compels him to look cute, which compels him to bite again. We spent much of our vacation in the company of fatter, cooler cats, and we've returned to find our adorable little wackjob salivating for our blood.

What concerns me most, however, is the way I've handled this so far. I've Googled "cat bites" enough times to get many odd pictures that are NOT safe for the workplace. I've sprayed him in the face with various effeminately-colored water bottles. I've quietly smiled when he gets scared -- breaking glass, for example -- because "maybe this time he'll learn."

What's wrong with me? Is web-surfing, corporal punishment and schadenfreude going to be my style of parenting? And if so, will that prevent my kids from being successful -- or at least good at sports?


AV said...

This is absolutely why I could never have children! I think about my theoretical spawn at their therapist years later talking about my spastic parenting and I just want to die. Then again, I taught my cat to sit...

Phoebe Frangoul has a blog about her wedding. Her only resolution is to not become a bridezilla and the transformation is delicious--and she's just started! I thought the engaged guy would dig it: http://www.bridesmagazine.co.uk/blog/ViewBlog.aspx?postid=3&blogid=1

Daniel said...

Did your cat start biting you after you started spraying him in the face with water? Maybe that's why he's trying to draw blood -- does he aim for your trigger fingers?

Here's an idea... instead of water use a household liquid like windex. just kidding. But how about coating your hands (or whatever body part he likes to bite) with some tabasco or kimchi juice? You know, something spicy so he won't want to bite anymore.

Frankly, I think this has something to do with Ahdoot biting Shmelvis in 2006. Your cat probably holds grudges. ha

Old Man Snap said...

Shmelvis sighting!

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