If I'm Found With A Bullet To the Head, You Know Who To Question

I have to thank my now happily married ex-imaginary girlfriend for finding this gem of a chartcile on Court TV's web site. Apparently, "uxoricide" (wife-killing) and "mariticide" (husband-killing) are the most common forms of...wait for it...muuuuurder.

According to Court TV, America's No. 1 source for non-sensational news, cops always suspect the spouse first. Most murder-suicides involve a spouse, ex-spouse or common law spouse (I've got one of the common laws right now ). And there have been more than 40,000 spousal murders since I was born. You know your marriage has gone horribly wrong when you wake up on a Sunday morning with your hands pinned down, a .9-millimeter in your mouth and a forged suicide note on the bedside table. Damn, you think, did I forget to load the dishwasher again?

The only reason I could think of that would force Deborah to kill me is that I spend a lot of time in the evenings with my other love, the internets. My love affair is, as you can imagine, frustrating for someone who thinks it's overkill to spend all day online and then come home and spend all night online. I'm trying to get to the end of the internets, I say. But she doesn't buy it.

And that's why...wait, what's that noise?!? Ahhh!!!! Baby, no!!!!


designer-in-denial said...

Babe, I would never do anything to you. Like you said, "how would I know how to control the internet and all the electronics without me?". I love me some ondemand! So I will keep you alive.

JZ said...

I keep a wiffle ball bat under my bed in case anyone wants to get all murder me up in my bidness.

I might bring it with me next time I visit, put it in the middle of the room, move Shmelvis out of harm's way and yell "AND WIFFLE BALL" like they do on the Dodgeball movie.

Then you both can duke it out to see who gets to play Jose Offerman in the biopic.

the ex-imaginary gf said...

It's vital to be with non-internet junkies when you're one. I was with a programmer once and we were on our computers all the livelong day. We never talked even though we lived together; if we needed anything, we'd just IM. Can you imagine?!

melanie said...

The Inky posted this blog item 3 hours before you did...

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